and then there were four…

Olivia’s birthday party was a family affair, so we knew that at most we would have two extra children there, certainly not enough to warrant any kind of major party games or activities, because they are all under the age of five.

Bill’s brother is dating a wonderful girl who is Mexican, and she was adamant we have a pinata at the party. “It’s not a party without a pinata!” she proclaimed, and then informed me that she would be bringing one–even if there were only going to be (at most) two children big enough to swing a stick at one.

Unfortunately, illness made sure that the girls’ cousins couldn’t make it, so Olivia and Sophia were the only children at the party. I felt bad until I remembered that my little sister had similar parties until she was about 5, and she turned out perfectly fine and socially well-adjusted.

After the yard was decorated, food was being put out and guests were arriving, in walks Uncle Bob and Auntie Dalia.

Bob was carrying THIS:

Poor Elmo, doesn't even see it coming.

It was bigger than Olivia.

But, after many many whacks by (almost) every adult male and a very determined Olivia, the pinata was downed.

Bob had more fun with the pinata than Olivia, methinks.

All that remained was his head. Swinging in the tree. As a warning to other pinatas.

"Ye were warned"

Even then, they weren’t satisfied to leave well enough alone. Bob put the pinata’s head on his own, and danced around the backyard for our entertainment. He then put the head on Olivia, where she found it to be a bit too heavy for her. After everyone had a good laugh I though that was the end of it.

But they had to make sure any wayward pinatas that may roam into our yard KNEW that we were serious:

This seemed rather brutal.

Should I be concerned that Olivia laughed the entire time they were staking Elmo's head into the ground?

And there he stayed for a good three days.

Haven’t had any trouble with pinatas since.

I have my Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism (emphasis in print Journalism) and a minor in English (emphasis in Creative Writing). To say I am anal about grammar would be an understatement.

However, even with all of the years I’ve spent editing, writing, and learning, I KNOW that if I were to drag out my old grammar and/or style books, I would be guilty of many crimes against grammar. I’m not perfect, but at least I know this. So it is a little ridiculous for me to become so enraged when I see incorrect grammar that (to me, anyway) is obvious.

I overuse commas. I love ellipses. I use made-up words. I like to use caps to emphasize things. I use both run-on and fragment sentences. I really like dashes and probably use them inappropriately. I’m especially fond of prepositional phrases, as much as I try to phase them out. (HA!) I use parenthesis a lot and I am so guilty of changing point-of-view mid-stream it isn’t even funny.

I edit my posts, re-reading each entry to make sure things are spelled correctly, trying to make it as grammatically inoffensive as possible. If something sounds weird to me, I attempt to find out the rules so I may make it right. I welcome constructive criticism, and appreciate being told when things are incorrect, lest I be a grammar offender.

I just hope my grammatical errors aren’t causing people to cringe and run away screaming the way the people showcased in the following sites did for me. I hope you truly appreciate how much pain and embarrassment I suffered in the name of today’s FLINK. I’m extremely empathetic and I have a hard time watching or seeing things when people make fools of themselves unknowingly. So, without further ado, I give you:

The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotes

Apostrophe Abuse

and

The Perplexikon

Both Bill and I are huge Alton Brown fans, and subscribe to many of his culinary philosophies. The main philosophy being that the only unitasker you should have in your kitchen is a fire extinguisher. It’s something we live by. We have a small-ish kitchen and getting the most for our money is a high priority of ours (as I’ve mentioned time and time again).

Bill (and now, I) are fans of this website, Unclutterer, which is: “a blog about getting and staying organized”. It offers amazing information and tips and does it in an un-boring way. However, your Flink lies in their weekly feature, that never fails to have me shaking my head in disappointment in the human race.

Unitasker Wednesday offers a new weekly unitasker that is offered for sale somewhere on the interwebs (usually). You can buy this stuff, but it will only do one thing–one ridiculous thing. They even offer a disclaimer before each Unitasker item:

“All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!”

So for the love of all that is holy, please don’t come back to me and tell me you’ve bought a Garbage Bowl, or a Chompr…I may have to go all Dwight Schrute on you.

I hate the phrase “The customer is always right”. HATE it. Even before I started working retail at the age of 16, I would always sympathize with the employees when those situations arose and a customer acted the fool.

I worked retail for the better part of high school and college. Even when I had my first “real” job, I dealt with rude clients all the time. I had a long list of them. Some days I would have to retreat to the bathroom to have a good cry. It was hard for me, as a teenager and young adult, to separate their misdirected anger and really determine if I caused any problems or if they were being jackasses.

I have a bunch of stories I could share. I could probably start my own blog just with my own customer service stories. BUT seeing as how there are a plethora of them out there, I’ll just direct you to the one that I’ve been currently reading.

I like Not Always Right because you don’t have to read in any order, you can just read when you need a laugh or, if you are like me, you can go back through the archives and read every.single.story. The site is pretty tame, expletives are sprinkled throughout, but nothing vulgar (that I could find).

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, but people are stupid. Don’t be a  jackass just because YOU are having a bad day.

At parties past, Bill and I have done burgers and hot dogs on the grill or deli platters along with an assortment of dips, chips, veggies and the like. We always have our parties in the afternoons: After lunch, and before dinner. So, people aren’t usually hungry for a meal. Which means we have a TON of leftover food.

However, I am of the school that when you have a party, no matter how small, you provide refreshments for your guests. I’m a very good Southern girl.

After brainstorming ideas, I decided that hors d’oeuvres were the way to go. So, I started researching ideas and I found two that I had never tried before, and settled on a family favorite for the third. I also decided on making both a hot and a cold dip, along with a veggie platter and assortment of chips.

Yes. I overdid it, and we did have leftovers, but I still like the idea, and will just choose fewer recipes for Sophia’s party next July.

I made our family favorite, Lil’ Smokies in a Blanket. Yes, they are similar to “pigs in a blanket” but we use Beef  Lil’ Smokies, so it feels wrong to call them “pigs” in a blanket, but “cows in a blanket” doesn’t sound as cute. We usually just call them “Lil’ Smokies” and everyone knows that they will be wrapped in crescent rolls. However, I do NOT use Parmesan cheese or garlic salt. I’m not saying it wouldn’t taste right, I’ve just never used it before. We usually serve with BBQ sauce for dipping, but ketchup and mustard would be tasty also. So simple, and very kid friendly.

The hot dip is one a roommate introduced me to in college. We would make this and eat it for dinner. It was simply called “The Dip”, but after research, I have found it is also called Chili Cheese Dip. (Thank you, Captain Obvious) You can make this in the slow cooker so your oven is free for other things. It is REALLY good with Fritos (which is how we ate it in college) but I have found it is yummy with regular corn tortilla chips also. Admittedly, the ingredient list may sound unappetizing, but it is SO yummy.

I also made our favorite sour cream dip using Laura Scudder’s Green Onion dip mix.

After I had those familiar recipes down, I settled on TWO new ones:

Stuffed Mushrooms, Baby!

&

Bacon Wrapped Pineapple Bites!

It was only after I typed them out that I realized they are both very excited recipes.

I swear to all that is good in this world, both of them are delicious and I will definitely be making them again. I didn’t have white wine for the mushrooms, so we used sake. With the other recipe, I used fresh pineapple and center cut bacon. Word to the wise: use a deep pan or a roasting pan with room for drippings with the bacon wrapped pineapple. My bacon dripped off of my cookie sheet and caused the smoke detector to go off. Luckily I was working on these right before the party, and not the night before like some of the other stuff.

Stuffed mushrooms, on the move.

Remember me? mmm...I am cake. And I am delicious.

For the delicious cake, I used Pioneer Woman’s The Best Chocolate Sheet Cake. Ever

I doubled the recipe and did not making the frosting she makes for this cake. I did a basic buttercream frosting (times two). However, I like my buttercream more buttery, so I use a bit of butter extract (in addition to the vanilla) to help the flavor (since I like the consistency of it with the shortening). Olivia requested a “blue cake” so I emptied an entire bottle of blue food coloring into a third of the icing. I mixed a third of the icing with a jar of hazelnut spread for the cake’s filling and the other third I mixed with yellow food coloring for an accent color.

I forgot to buy a tube to stabilize the cake, so I used a slurpee straw. I still can't remember if we washed it first. Oh well.

I also made homemade ice cream to go along with the cake using a recipe from the Ben & Jerry’s cookbook Bill got me for Christmas last year. Someone was kind enough to repost it here. The recipe book is fantastic, if you have an ice cream maker, you MUST invest in this book.

Olivia also requested the ice cream to be yellow.

Looks weird, tastes gooooood

And no, the lopsidedness of the cake was not planned. I was using this cake leveler. Being that it is from Ikea and the whole little “decorating kit” cost me only $5, I can’t complain, but it was user error, not utensil malfunction. The leveler is a piece of thick wire (think piano wire or guitar string) strung across the bottom of the tool. You can move the wire up and down each side of the tool to get the desired size. Unfortunately I forgot to hook one side of the wire to the correct peg, so I ended up with a lopsided shave on the bottom layers. My mom (bless her) pointed it out to me so I was able to get (relatively) even layers for the other two tiers.

It still looked cute for a novice–but more importantly, it was SCRUMPTIOUS (Olivia’s new favorite word, thank you Jessica Alba!)

I’ll admit it. I hate confrontation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it in certain situations. I would like to believe I’m not passive-aggressive. But, I’m sure I have been guilty of it on more than one occasion.

I would like to believe my distaste for confrontation is only because I am a peaceful, laid back person, like Bill. Unfortunately it stems from my deep need to please everyone, and not wanting to have anyone angry at me. It’s probably my biggest character flaw (in my opinion). I’m an intense people-pleaser, and have been working on not worrying so damn much about it.

In my defense, however, I have never been one to leave passive-aggressive notes.

At least, I hope not. Maybe one…or two…

It’s still a funny site and your FLINK of the day. There could be some bad language in the notes, but mainly they are funny notes people find (and photograph) featuring some of the most passive-aggressive behavior around.

I’m currently working on the recipe post, but seeing as how I have use of a car for a week, I’m going to run some much-needed errands!

Bill and I have both been talking about getting tattoos since before the girls were born (Bill has been talking about it for even LONGER–when we first started dating, over 10 years ago he kept saying he was getting one “soon”), BUT neither of us has ever gotten one.

This isn’t because we’re scared of needles or have any reservations regarding tattoos. It is simply because we are super indecisive about what we want. We have a hard enough time deciding what to eat for dinner most nights, so you can imagine that deciding what to put on your body FOREVER would be a bit of an undertaking.

Personally, I would love to get something symbolizing my daughters, but no names or anything generic, so when I figure it out, that’s when I’ll head on down to a tattoo shop.

I’m not holding my breath though. It will happen, if it is supposed to happen.

HOWEVER, after coming across this site, (which is also today’s FLINK), I can add another reason why to NOT get a tattoo.

Ugliest Tattoos is a site with a collection of some of the most godawful tattoos I’ve ever seen (Obviously). It is mildly NSFW because of the content of some tattoos (there are some naked ladies/body parts that have been tattooed on people). So, look at your own risk. But, if you DO look, prepare to cringe, laugh, and feel REALLY sorry for both the artist (if you can call them that) and owner of these tattoos.

Okay, so she’s been three for 11 days now, but she’s THREE? I keep looking at her face, which is losing its baby chub, and remembering her as a baby: jaundiced, rolling over, scooting on her belly, finally crawling and walking, how quickly she started talking to us and now how quickly she learns new things.

I’m currently listening to her play with her little sister and singing the “building” song from World Word “We’ve got to build a word, let’s build it, let’s build it…NOW!” and asking Sophia which word they should build, spelling out the simple ones she knows. She’s potty trained (for the most part) and is able to navigate her way around the DVD player (aka: the Xbox360). She thinks she knows how to work the controls, but for now she’s an expert at the insert/remove disc part.

She loves to play outside, and at least once a week she will look at me and say “Mama, I LOVE our new house…and the GARDEN!” –which is what she calls the yard sometimes. She likes watering plants and blowing bubbles. She likes to “read” and has requested that we teach her how to read now, something we are currently working on. She recognizes words and knows basic phonics, which (sometimes) helps her sound words out when she wants to know how to spell them.

Olivia loves to help me in the kitchen, we bake together and she enjoys dumping ingredients in, or rolling and cutting cookies out. She tells me “when I am older, I’ll be able to help you cook with the oven”. She also loves drawing, building with her blocks, playing with Play Doh, putting together puzzles, playing Memory and The LadyBug Game.

I am her mother, which renders me totally incapable of being unbiased, but she’s the smartest kid I’ve ever encountered. She’s really independent. Everything takes us 20 extra minutes to do because she wants to buckle her own seat belt, put on her own shoes, zip her own pants/jacket/etc. In that same vein, she’s started to buck our rules and has learned that when she misbehaves she must be held accountable, and (obviously) does not like being punished, usually requesting to “only be a little punished”.  She’s mischievous, but so sweet and funny, LOVES to laugh and making us all laugh, which she does daily.

My first born, my beautiful Olivia: I love you to the moon and back.

Happy Birthday, Olivia--You're the coolest 3 year old I know.

I recently posted a link to a funny website on my facebook wall. I had a friend (HI JOHN!) comment “Just when I think I have been desensitized to teh interwebZ”. After that, I decided I had to restore his faith that there was still some funny gems out there. After a good handful of sites, he mentioned that I should start a “best of the worst” blog. Seeing as how I do such a bang-up job maintaining ONE site, I decided this blog could use some funny outside influences, and perhaps it would help me meet my “5 times a week” promise.

Be forewarned. Some of them may not be polite or family friendly. I will offer up some kind of description so you can make your own best judgment. I will warn you of any nudity (NSFW!) and try to give you the general tone of the site.

If you have any suggestions of sites you would like me to visit and recommend, please, let me know. I know I should be doing something more constructive (like, read a book?) but sometimes Mama just needs a break.

For my first “Flink” (Funny Link–I just came up with that RIGHT NOW–I’m GENIUS…or not), I give you

*drumroll*

MAN BABIES

This is a website that may or may not include naked baby butts (I haven’t seen every single photo) but nothing raunchy. It’s basically babies with their daddies. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, so I’ll just leave it at that. It makes me laugh every time I visit. YES it is ridonculous, but that’s what makes it a FLINK!

It’s been 2 weeks since I posted.

And I was doing so well, too! In my defense, we had house guests, everyone got sick, and now we are recouping. I have lots in store…I am determined to try and post at least 5 times a week. Maybe I’ve said that before. But this time, I mean it, dammit!

Things to look forward to:

• Probably some lamenting on how my baby is now 3.
• The ginormous Elmo pinata that Olivia had at her third birthday party.
• Our trip to Disneyland.
• A story about Disneyland with puke (don’t worry, I’ll forewarn you so you can skip it if you want)
• Funny site links (something I’ve been doing on facebook and now my good friend John suggested a feature on my site)
• Recipes for the party food (stuffed mushrooms at a 3 year old’s party? CHECK)

To hold you over, here is a photo of my first ever “fancy” cake. I’ve made plenty of cakes, but never one that involved using different sized baking pans. It was also completely homemade. I’m extremely proud, even if it should be on Cake Wrecks. Okay, so it would only be on Cake Wrecks if I charged for it, but…I know it’s a semi-hot mess. I’ll post the recipe soon!

Be kind...it was my first time. And NO it's not crooked, it's WHIMSICAL.