and then there were four…

We took the baby to the Dr. today where she had to have a shot. It sounds so cliche and silly when I hear other people say it, but when they gave her the shot I cried. She sounded so pitiful, and it broke my heart into a million pieces, I couldn’t help but cry.

The doctor says that she should have gained a bit more weight than she has, but because I am breastfeeding, it is possible she is just now getting the hang of it properly and the weight will begin to pick up. Since she hasn’t lost weight, and she is dirtying the correct amount of diapers, he thinks she is getting enough, just not the extra to boost the weight gain, so I am to nurse her a bit longer each time (if I can keep her awake) and go back in a week to check her progress. He told me not to worry about it, it was common, so I’m trying to take his advice.

I used to think that it was silly for a woman to not breastfeed if she could, because it is the best for the baby, and it is cheaper (formula is expensive!), however, I TOTALLY understand why many women don’t breastfeed. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I am doing it, and I really cherish the bonding and the experience that I am getting from doing it, but it is a full-time job. I don’t know how women work and breastfeed–it’s amazing to me. It takes so much energy out of you, and you are the sole person who can feed the baby (until, of course, you pump bottles, but that’s a lot of work too!) So I get it now, and I will never again look down on someone for choosing not to breastfeed. I’m going to hang in there and keep at it, because overall it is a wonderful experience, sore nipples and all.

I can’t believe it has been two weeks since we were released from the hospital–16 days since our little girl was born.

But, it’s true. My husband will return to work on Monday, and I will start taking care of said child by myself during the day. I’m not scared…I’m not, really. Okay, I’m terrified–I know I will do just fine, but I’ll still be alone. That in itself is ripe with possibilities I’m not willing to allow myself to entertain.

It is also amazing at how you can survive on little-to-no sleep and still function. Sure, it took a week to get used to being up every 2-3 (and sometimes 1) hour(s), but seeing her nurse and knowing she is content is worth it.

We are still getting used to breastfeeding–(me with my sore nipples, her with her ability to latch on correctly each time) but, I think everything is working out well. We’ll see when we go back for her 3-week check-up.

I find myself doing the oddest things, that I’m sure most seasoned parents will laugh about and say are normal. I constantly check her to make sure she is breathing–each time I pass the crib–and sometimes I make special trips over just to place my hand on her tiny body to feel her breathing. If I hear her sneeze or cough, I rush over just to check and make sure she is okay–I always worry that I am too clumsy with her, that I am just bobbing her head around when I hold her, although I know I am doing it right, I still worry. Especially since she seems to think she is much older than she is, and has been trying to lift her head up since she was 3 days old.

My husband and I made a promise to each other: we would never say that we “couldn’t wait” until she reached a certain milestone or age or whatnot–we want to cherish each and every second she is a baby, enjoy each moment and not let it pass us by. So far, so good. I mean, human nature dictates that we are a bit curious as to what the future holds, but not enough to allow us to wish away this precious time in her life. Because, you can’t get it back. She’s growing up fast enough.

On October 4, 2006 at 12:32 p.m. I gave birth to an 8 lb 11 oz baby girl who was 21 inches long. She is beautiful and we couldn’t be happier.

I went to the hospital that morning at 6 a.m. At 7:45 a.m. the doctor broke my water and she was here by 12:32 p.m. Labor wasn’t as bad as I had imagined–because I was induced I couldn’t get out of bed, so it was suggested I get an epidural after my contractions started getting more intense (about 2 or so hours into everything) I am still amazed that I gave birth to her. We were released from the hospital on Friday and have been getting used to life outside of the hospital (and womb!)

Unfortunately the baby has a slight case of jaundice, so we are undergoing UV light therapy in order to get the bilirubin out of her system. I am trying to breastfeed, but she is having a hard time maintaining her latch, so we are working with a lactation consultant to get her going better. However, because of the jaundice we may have to supplement her with formula (the doctor hasn’t told us if that will be the case yet). But I am confident we will both get the hang of it. I currently feed her on one side and feed her a pumped bottle after she is done. The consultant wanted me to get an extra 1 oz of breast milk in her from the pump, but I’m currently only able to get 1/4 to 1/2 oz pumped in the 15 minutes the lactation consultant has me doing. I am assuming that will change.

It is really hard not to get discouraged, because I want so much to do what is best for her, and I want the bonding experience as well, but I want what is best for her, and getting her weight back up and the jaundice cleared is the most important thing right now–if this means supplementing her with formula, so be it.

I never knew how much I could love another person until she was born. I swear, I thought I loved her when I was pregnant with her, but, she is so amazing and I love her more than life itself. I would do anything for her and I know that her daddy feels the same way. I can’t believe we are parents, but we are loving every minute. Even if we are exhausted beyond belief.

I went back to the doctor yesterday–I’m 3 centimeters dilated and the doctor thinks it would be smart to induce labor. We go tomorrow to have our baby! I was nervous about having the baby three weeks early, but the doctor is afraid that if we let me go much longer, the baby will be too big to deliver naturally (he says that if the baby is under nine pounds he would be very surprised) and I really want to avoid a c-section if possible. Since I’m already dilated, the process has started, the doctor is just going to speed it along a bit more.

Funny thing: tomorrow is my husband’s birthday. What a fun present–maybe not the most fun way to spend your birthday (due to all the labor pain I’m sure to endure and he will have to witness) but he is really excited. We both are. My mom is flying in and will be here tonight, so she can be with me in the delivery room (until I have to throw her out, ha ha–I kid).

I’m not nervous about the baby being here, that’s inevitable, I’m nervous about the pain and the length of labor time. I understand that there is a reason for the pain, and I’m not scared of it, I guess I just don’t know what to expect, so it is hard for me to conceptualize what is going to take place. However, I keep telling myself that the pain is not going to last forever, and in the end of it, I will have a beautiful baby to hold, love and care for. That makes it all worthwhile. I’m not looking forward to getting to that point, but I’ll have support. I’ll be okay.